I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
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Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
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He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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