It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
