Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
