You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Randomize
