Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
