my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
