You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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