I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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