When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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