I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
