You made me cry and you don't even care
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
