The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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