ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
