i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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