the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
love makes seman taste better
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
my liver is dry heaving
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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