ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
