My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
