When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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