Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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