Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Those nachos came to me in a dream
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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