My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
