You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
