I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
