im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
