on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
