Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
