my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
