White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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