she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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