I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
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I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
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Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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