I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize