Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks