I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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