watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
