Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
