haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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