I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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