you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
