I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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