Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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