I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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