I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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