How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
