apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
