I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
