I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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