did you get engaged???
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
