My hair reeks of homosexuality.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
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