i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
