if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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