Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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